CHOOSING CIVILITY | Connecting effectively, relating with kindness.™

Alinda Lewris interviewed the Managing Director and Chief Operating Officer, World Economic Forum, Geneva, Switzerland.

Excerpt:  QUESTION:  What is the biggest faux pas you have ever seen committed in the business world and what was your reaction?  ANSWER:  I have seen a lot of faux pas and not always in business.  The biggest mistake, in my view, is to put a person's integrity in question. If you do so, you will force the person to adapt a very defensive or aggressive attitude.  Instead of engaging into intellectual exchange you are engaged in a confrontational non-constructive mode.  If you find yourself in such a situation, you have only one option, you withdraw yourself to take away the direct threat to the integrity of the person.

We should all remember that we are dealing with human beings and with that in mind, you have to understand that they will evolve in three different zones.  The first zone is the inner circle called INTEGRITY.  In this zone no-one will be ready to accept any questioning.  The second zone is the middle circle called COMFORT.  In this zone everyone is very comfortable and open for questioning and debate.  The third zone is all the COLD SPACE out there and represents all the moments where we are no longer in known territories.  When we revolve in  this  zone  we  are easily destabilized and we will all seek to return as quickly as possible to the comfort zone.

You  need to constantly make choices: Which battles are important enough to be fought? Is it worth the risk to question someone's integrity or put  yourself  in  the  COLD SPACE?  Always remember that you are dealing with a human being.

Alinda Lewris interviewed the President and Chief Operating Officer for a professional and consumer advertising, medical education, and public relations business group in New York, New York. 

Excerpt:  QUESTION:  In your position as a strong leader, why do you need soft social skills?  ANSWER:  Soft skills such as communication, leadership, and a team mentality are always about negotiating.  Whether for business or social, learning to negotiate and connect with others in their culture requires both time and effort over an extended period.  If you go out of your way to demonstrate what you know about someone else's world, they will appreciate your efforts and respond in kind.  For instance, I use the language of the country as best I can and as often as appropriate.  In France, it is easier for me because I can speak the language a bit.  In other countries where I might not be as fluent, I strive to learn key words especially words of introduction, thank you, and goodbye.  I engage in connecting with clients by knowing as much as I can about their interests.  Where appropriate, I offer personal information about myself such as I am a father of three children, play soccer as well as coach for my children's soccer team etc.  It helps to break down barriers.  The more you attempt to understand others and their culture, the more others will open up to you.

QUESTION:  Which culture's people skills do you most admire and why?  ANSWER:  EUROPEANS  - The Europeans live so close in proximity that they generally show respect for one another, even if they do not always agree.  Even though the various European countries are different in nature, they still strive to get along.  Thomas Friedman in his book, The World is Flat, explains how at the dawn of the twenty-first century the global scene is unfolding before our eyes.  Countries, companies, communities, and individuals regardless of proximity must adapt to the Web-enabled playing field that allows for multiple forms of collaboration without regard to geography or distance - or soon, even language.

QUESTION:  What is the biggest faux pas you have ever seen committed in the business world and what was your reaction?  ANSWER:  Speaking in the WRONG language!  I travel all over the world and often times I have been so jet lagged that my nickname has become 'Jed Lag'.  I have been in Italy one day lecturing in Italian only to find myself in France the next day and forgot to switch languages. 

My reaction to this faux pas was that I was so jet lagged that I did not even know it at first.  I have offices in twenty countries and there have been times when I have flown from Shanghai, Tokyo, Hong Kong, to Mumbai in a matter of four days.  These fast paced trips sometimes cause me to feel 'brain lag' especially when you are not fully fluent in all languages.  I do feel; however, that as long as you trying --- your efforts are appreciated.

QUESTION:  Describe a situation when you felt uncomfortable (perhaps as an entry level executive) that could have been avoided with more knowledge of global business protocol and etiquette?  ANSWER: I was in Spain, was extremely hungry at eight o'clock at night, and did not understand why dinner would not be served until after eleven o'clock.  I was exhausted to the point of physically shaking.  I also knew that I had an early sling-shot flight the next morning.  The time zones simply caught up with me, so I requested that the client meet me for an early drink instead of dinner.

QUESTION:  Not all leaders are as aware of the value of soft skills as you are.  How would you convince another CEO that his organization needs global business protocol and civility education in order to shrink the line item termed "cross cultural faux pas expense" and have the savings that result there-from go straight to the bottom line?  ANSWER:  A penny saved is a penny earned!  Sharpen interpersonal skills and learn best practices.  I would let them know how important being accepted in another culture is, especially in business.  I would share with the CEO that I look at this need for global business protocol internally first, from a business and organizational standpoint, and then would use examples of how other people are affected by my efforts to connect with them by understanding their culture.  Many doors have been open more easily by just being aware or conscience of the world.  Take a global focus.  A colleague interested in globally strengthening his business relationship with his client neglected to remember time zone differences and would call his client any time of the day.  The telephone is not a 24-hour opportunity.  Civility is recognizing times zones.  Good business acumen is to use E-mail and then follow up with a phone call respectful of time zone differences.  The use of E-mail truly makes one 'a next door neighbor' and when used appropriately one does not waste valuable days because of time zones differences.  Conversely, E-mail goes only so far and does not replace the 'person to person' conversations and personal interactions that are KING!  Again, the more you get to know your counterparts, your colleagues, off the playing field by having a dinner or engaging in some social activity the better for strengthening relationships 'the better for connecting' ...

QUESTION:  If you did not know me, and you wanted soft skills/STRONG LEADERSHIP instruction for your executives, where would you go?  ANSWER:  I would go to the Business Section of a bookstore and look for international business, protocol, and etiquette books.  Some of my book recommendations are:

The World Is Flat: A Brief History of the Twenty-first Century by Thomas L. Friedman
The Lexus and the Olive Tree: Understanding Globalization, by Thomas L. Friedman
Team of Rivals : The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln, by Doris Kearns Goodwin
Behave Yourself!  The Essential Guide to International Etiquette, by Michael Powell.

E.  CULTURAL AWARENESS

IAPC presents a series of overviews of cultures and countries in its Cultural Awareness columns.

As the world becomes increasingly connected and global, our openness and honesty about cultural similarities, as well as differences, will perhaps help people find internal security and recognize the strength that exists in all cultures. --- Alinda Lewris, IAPC Executive Director

F.  IAPC Reports ON INDUSTRY EVENTS

The following is an example of the opportunities that our members receive from involvement in recommended industry-specific events:
Alinda Lewris, IAPC Executive Officer, met with His Excellency Aziz Mékouar, Ambassador of the Kingdom of Morocco at his residence.  IAPC's Winter newsletter Protocol Today provided IAPC members with current information about the Moroccan culture and excerpts from Ms. Lewris' interview with His Excellency.

I recognize the need for civility and integrity in society and support the mission of IAPC in promoting these values and encouraging mutual respect between countries and all cultures.  The best to you and your members. --- Ambassador Aziz Mékouar, The Kingdom of Morocco

G.  FEATURED ARTICLES

UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS  A Few Words Concerning Protocol and Etiquette
BY:  John Crawford Howell, IAPC Vice President - a Former Active Duty Marine

So where do Marines learn which fork to use?  To some, it would seem, eating field rations with a utility spoon out of a canteen cup in a battlefield foxhole fairly sums up the extent of Marines' knowledge of table manners.  Not so.  Learning proper etiquette and decorum is essential to the noble profession of arms since ancient times.  It is an integral part of the rites, rituals, and conventions practiced by Marines and members of all the U.S. armed forces.  We learn table manners, receiving line protocol, calling card etiquette, order of precedence, and the art of a proper toast; all to guide us and prevent us from embarrassing ourselves and offending our peers, our superiors, and our subordinates.

November 10, 2005 marked the 230th anniversary of the founding of the United States Marine Corps in 1775.  From Shanghai to Kabul to Paris to Buenos Aires, wherever Marines are stationed throughout the world, the Marine Corps birthday is a mighty celebration.  And, wherever possible, a Birthday Ball is the evening social event.  By custom it is a formal black tie affair for distinguished civilian guests and evening dress or dress blue uniform for Marines.  Put in context, it is an occasion marked by the protocol, etiquette, and refinement of a formal White House dinner and gala.  When available, the best silver service, china, damask, and stem ware are employed.  It is a command performance. The high point of the evening is the cutting of the cake and the honoring of the oldest Marine and the youngest Marine present.

The time-honored protocols which make the November 10th festivities enjoyable and memorable dispel the notion held by some that etiquette is fluff, i.e. a left over relic of dignified propriety reminding us of our grandmothers and daintily held teacups.  I have two well worn reference books given to me when I was a young lieutenant, The Marine Officer's Guide and Service Etiquette, which dictate otherwise. For over 35 years, they have been a part of my working library and continue to serve me well in civilian life.  Marines are trained to regulate themselves. They understand that not only are they judged by the words they use, but by the manners they display.  I believe that applies to us all.  And, in my view, good manners have as important a role to play in the corporate world as they do in diplomatic and military circles. A practical knowledge of protocol and etiquette is not fluff, but the necessary adhesive that binds a civilized society and contributes to cross cultural awareness and empathy.   If you see a Marine on November 10th please take the time to wish him or her Happy Birthday.  The greetings will induce a display of the courtesies that illustrate my point, and be greatly appreciated in return.  It will make your day.

Mr. Howell was a Captain in the United States Marine Corps on active duty from 1966 to 1970.  He currently serves as the IAPC Vice President and sits on its Board of Advisors. 

LEAVE YOUR BAGGAGE AT HOME
BY:  John Crawford Howell, IAPC Vice President

 How much is that in real money? --- the red-faced, overly loud 'ugly American' snapped at the Paris shopkeeper.  He hadn't understood the price of the blue silk scarf expressed as mille deux cent cinquante Francs.  Then the clincher, 'Why can?t you people speak English?' 
I apologize to the shopkeeper on behalf of 'civil' Americans, but a dark cloud of blatant condescension hangs heavy in the shop. Unfortunately, scenes like this regularly occur around the world.  Americans are not always responsible, but are perceived as major purveyors of boorish behavior when turned loose on foreign soil.  Some things can be forgiven; incivility cannot.

Specific faux pas - blunders like hugging the Queen of England or showing the sole of the shoe to a sheik in Riyadh - occur at the micro level.  There is, I believe, a macro level of faux pas defined by an individual's attitude before that 747 is ever boarded. By attitude, I refer to a mental repository of prejudice, lack of manners, insensitivity, xenophobia, and other noxious sentiments awaiting their opportunity to spring forth.  It is a faux pas baggage holding area for baggage best left at home.

The largest article in the bag is, typically, the cloak of pre-judgment - we know better than you; we are the best at everything.  Many Americans cloak themselves with this absurd notion, and when unpacked and rolled out in the host country, it?s like a nest of wasps walloped by a broom.

Packed beneath the fanciful omniscience is the suit of the 'holier than thou moralizer.'  I admit to being guilty of this in my first overseas living experience.  I'd heard about pervasive corruption in the Philippines and before I ever boarded that Northwest Airlines flight to Manila, I'd already assumed the role of moral avenger.  But the people with whom I dealt were professionals and a delight to work with, so not only was I wrong, but upon reflection I realized the type of corruption I envisioned battling in the Philippines was alive and well back home. So, who was I to moralize?

Taking up space at the bottom of the bag are the accessories for crude behavior: the loud voice adapter kit; the dark lens spectacles pack that facilitates lack of awareness and insensitivity to one's surroundings; and the inappropriate dress and poor table manners transmitter.  All contents of this bag lack intrinsic value and portend failed business dealings.

Negotiating skills alone do not win contracts. Long-term business success requires investing time to establish personal relationships, the root of trust. Business conducted on a transactional basis is a twig easily snapped. Global companies, particularly those headquartered in countries that must export or die, understand this dynamic.  They breed gladiator-like competitors and we must comprehend just how fierce they are.

Americans are also fierce competitors, but we are often our own worst enemy through behavioral errors.  We should know that critical to positioning for a business win is appropriate behavior, whether in Paris, Mumbai, Hong Kong, or Buenos Aires.

Like the 10 essentials one always packs when hiking in the mountains, these are the 10 essentials I pack for international travel and use much as a pilot's pre-flight checklist:

1.  In dress and comportment, always err on the side of conservatism, as you never know whom you might run into.

2.  Be conscious of yourself and your surroundings; expect the unexpected, so you'll be able to 'bend with the bamboo.'

3.  Use your 'indoor' voice.  Don't bellow, regardless of the noise level.

4.  Before leaving, study the general history and culture of the country.  You'll feel more comfortable, and it can help put meetings in context, regardless of the industry you represent.  While there, visit a local museum.

5.  No matter how different the culture, be respectful of its customs.

6.  Learn a few key phrases in the language of the host country, such as:  thank you, good morning, please, excuse me, and you're welcome.

7.  English is the second language in most countries, but is the global language of commerce.  So communicate with direct and simple words, avoiding slang and jargon. Enunciate clearly and speak a bit more slowly than normal.

8.  Be able to tell your hosts something beautiful or unique you've observed about their city or country.

9.  Don't turn up your nose and scoff at the food.  Assume your hosts will remember the slight.

10.  Speak positively about what you have to offer without denigrating your competitors.

Business relationships often involve less than six degrees of separation.  Business visitors, tourists, and expatriates, even without official portfolio, are nonetheless ambassadors representing America.  We must be the best ambassadors possible.  Now more than ever, our professional behavior impacts our successful conduct of business abroad.  Don't simply leave your baggage at home.  Throw it out!  The treasures we bring back will amaze and enrich us.  Now, that's the real money.

'Dear Fellow Etiquetters' Mrs. Martin 'discussed the problems we perfectly behaved people have in common.'  Judith Martin, Miss Manners  See:  Past Events

About Judith Martin / Miss Manners®  Born a perfect lady in an imperfect society, Miss Manners is the pioneer mother of today's civility movement. Now if she could only persuade people to practice civility as much as they talk about it.

Judith Martin's Miss Manners newspaper column - distributed thrice-weekly by United Features Syndicate and carried in more than 200 newspapers in the United States and abroad - has chronicled the continuous rise and fall of American manners since 1978. Since 1996, she has been writing an additional Miss Manners column for the Microsoft Network, and is also a columnist at Child Magazine. Her subject 'etiquette' was for years dismissed as an archaic frill to be dispensed with by a world on the go that was much too busy to trifle with such niceties. Yet, serving as the language and currency of civility, etiquette reduces those inevitable frictions of everyday life that, unchecked, are increasingly erupting into the outbursts of private and public violence so readily evident in road rage, drop-of-the-hat lawsuits, fractured families and other unwelcome by-products of a manners-free existence. These unpleasant developments have bred a nationwide call 'from academics, politicians, writers of all stripes, and the public at large' for a return to common courtesy.

As readers accept her view of life as a comedy of manners, they have increasingly sent Miss Manners not only their table and party questions, but those involving the more complicated aspects of life 'romance, work, family relationships, child-rearing, death' as well as philosophical and moral dilemmas. In her columns and her books, Mrs. Martin explains the etiquette element present in nearly every aspect of life and explores etiquette philosophical underpinnings. From free speech to political correctness, from office politics to national politics, she has gamely wrestled with the gamut of social discourse and recourse.

Mrs. Martin's writing aims to both instruct and provoke her audience, as numerous commentators have observed. "Judith Martin is The National Bureau of Standards," states columnist George Will. She's written "some of the toughest social criticism you are likely to read," according to critic Charlie Toft. The New York Times declares her work "an impassioned plea for a return to civilized behavior." The Los Angeles Times deems her "an authentic visionary" and her writing "a kind of study in cultural anthropology, even if she dresses up her field notes with artful parody and self-deprecating humor." Writer Christopher Buckley calls her "an authentic comic genius," while TIME Magazine declared, [Judith] Martin has helped transform etiquette from the realm of society matrons to a tool for everyday life.

Mrs. Martin is also a novelist and journalist and, as the nation's leading civility expert, a frequent lecturer and guest on national television and radio shows. As a reporter, feature writer, and critic, she spent 25 years at The Washington Post, where she was one of the original members of the Style and Weekend sections.

Born in Washington, DC, and reared there and in foreign capitals, Mrs. Martin is a graduate of Wellesley College and has been awarded honorary degrees. In November 2005, she was awarded the National Humanities Medal during a White House ceremony. Inaugurated in 1997 and given by the President of the United States under the auspices of the National Endowment for the Humanities, the Medal honors individuals or groups whose work has deepened the nation's understanding of the humanities, broadened our citizens' engagement with the humanities, or helped preserve and expand Americans' access to important resources in the humanities.

Judith Martin and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington DC. They have two perfect children.