CATCH THE SPIRIT COMMUNIQUÉ The Official Newsletter of International Association of Protocol Consultants® and Officers (IAPC)
SEPTEMBER 2010 Issue
FAVORITE QUOTE
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
~ Maya Angelou
HOT TOPICS: Honorifics
Mr. versus Miss, Mrs., and Ms. by Cherlynn Conetsco, President, IAPC and co-author Service Etiquette, Fifth Edition
Civility in addressing another is applied etiquette; it brings an element of grace and respect into our lives. One of the foremost methods of indicating good opinion is using correct titles or proper courtesy honorifics with a person's name. This is equally important whether spoken (for instance, while making introductions) or written (for example, on envelopes, in formal letter and email salutations, or in news articles).
Early 20th century newspapers in the United States refused to use the courtesy titles of "Mrs.", 'Miss", or "Mr." when writing about some people. It was a sly and pervasive form of discrimination, meant to imply inferiority. Such illegal practices kept many ethnic, racial, religious, or gender groups separate from others. Today, even among folks least concerned with etiquette or segregation, there remains a desire and need for respect. The following are the accepted social conventions for simple honorifics.
Mr. (abbreviated from Mister) is the respectful English honorific when speaking to or of a male unless he has a title or rank (such as Admiral, Judge, or Governor). A young boy is addressed without honorific (John Smith). A teen or adult male is acknowledged in spoken or written address with Mr. before his title of office, his full name, or his surname (as in Mr. President or Mr. John Smith or Mr. Jones). In non-English speaking countries, French is internationally recognized because of its association with government diplomacy. Therefore, if you do not speak the local dialect, the ubiquitous Monsieur is acceptable for unfamiliar adult males.
Miss is the polite term of address spoken to or about an unmarried female with her given name or surname, or with her title of office (as in Miss Jane,Miss Doe, Miss America). The French equivalent is Mademoiselle. A young girl is addressed without honorific (as in Jane Doe) until she reaches her teens, when she is granted the polite title before her name (Miss Doe). In times past, females were always identified as either married or unmarried by means of honorifics.
Mrs. is an abbreviation of Mistress and traditionally it was the only option available when speaking to or of most married females. It precedes the full name or surname of the woman's husband (Mrs. John Smith, Mrs. Smith). The wife of a man may be politely addressed as Mrs. unless she has a title or rank (such as Doctor, Professor, or Ambassador). The French word for "Mrs." is Madame, and even in the United States is often used with titles (such as Madame Speaker).
A widow may continue to use this honorific with her husband's name (Mrs. John Smith). Using "Mrs." with a woman's first name (Mrs. Jane Smith) signifies a divorcée, essentially because the married title indicates that she is "wife of" to herself only. If a woman is divorced, she may certainly choose to keep the surname of her former husband, especially if she has children, but most properly, she uses her given name and maiden name with it (for example Mrs. Jane Doe Smith), especially if he has married again. There can be only one Mrs. John Smith at a time. The other socially correct form is using only surnames for both the widow and divorcée (as in Mrs. Doe Smith).
Because etiquette rules are not well known in the United States and many other countries, people make mistakes with the honorific "Mrs." The confusion is probably due to the fact that even in the 21st century, an adult female often must strive for equality with her male peers. She is usually well beyond the "Miss" years and believes that she deserves to use her own first name if men do, but she also wants to advertise her relationship to a man. Please note, however, that males do not define themselves by marriage.
Ms. is an elision of "Miss" and "Mrs." that makes no distinction of wedded condition in the same way that "Mr." does not indicate matrimonial status. When the rank or title of a female (college-age or older) is unknown in English speaking countries, use Ms. with her full name or surname (Ms. Jane Smith, Ms. Smith). "Ms." is proper for any adult female whether single, a divorcée, a widow who reverts to a maiden name, a married woman with a separate professional name, or for anyone who prefers her full name to be used. For an adult female from a non-English speaking country, the honorific Madame remains the pervasive convention when uncertain of her title or marital status.
Two persons living at the same address may receive one piece of correspondence (such as an invitation) written to them both. If many persons are at the same home or business, address a separate envelope to each single adult, couple, or family unit. List individuals with different surnames on separate lines. Write the older, higher ranking, or senior titled person's name on the first line of the envelope or invitation, followed by the other(s). If the preceding is not known, the name of the person better known to the sender is written on the first line.
Two or more untitled males with the same surname living at one address are addressed jointly on envelopes and invitations as Messrs. (The Wright brothers, for example, would be The Messrs. Wright.) This French plural for Monsieur is appropriate unless the males are father and son. In that case, the father is addressed on the first line and his son on the next line.
If two untitled females with the same surname live at one address, their names may be written in social correspondence as The Misses Smith or The Mesdames Smith. If the women are mother and daughter, however, the mother is separately addressed on the first line, followed by her daughter's name on the next line.
The word The before plural honorifics may be omitted, if desired.
When a single invitation is addressed to more than one person, it is best if only one of them replies in order to accept or decline, as appropriate, for everyone.
Please always use proper honorifics when introducing someone and in writing a person's name. Those who do not use courtesy titles could be considered not only rude or uninformed, but intentionally bigoted in their social attitudes. Please review the above information one more time for the self-assurance of accurate knowledge. Habitual civility with honorifics allows everyone to walk graciously through life.
HOT TOPICS: Ramadan Etiquette
In the Islamic faith, Ramadan is a holy month of serious prayer and reflection that includes fasting during daylight hours. It is determined by the lunar cycle and differs each year. This year Ramadan began on August 11th. Fasting means not eating -- no food or water, no gum or breath mints -- and also to refrain from smoking, proud speech and foul language. (If you hear Muslim friends repeating, “I am fasting, I am fasting” it is because their prophet commanded it if they are being cursed or annoyed.) Fasting is a serious obligation of Islam. To be polite as well as culturally sensitive, Ambassadors of Civility avoid tempting Muslims during their fasting hours (daylight). Luring citizens away from their religious goals is a punishable offense in some Arab countries.
Visiting a Mosque
During Ramadan, it is common for Muslims to go to their Mosque (house of worship) and spend several hours praying and studying the Qur'an (holy book). Every religious sanctuary (church, synagogue, temple, mosque, etc.) has its own etiquette rules. To ensure a pleasant and respectful visit in all unfamiliar houses of worship, go with a congregant friend who can advise you throughout the visit, or seek permission ahead of time from the religious or prayer leader. Ask specific questions if information is not forthcoming. The following should enhance your visit to a Mosque.
Muslim clerics are known as Imam, Sheikh or Sayyid, depending upon the particular denomination, sect, culture or geographic region. (Sayyid, followed by the first of his given names, sometimes denotes a respected elderly man, similar to “Mr.” Sheikh might indicate a member of a royal family, in which case the proper address is “Your Highness”, or in the case of a government minister, “Your Excellency.”) Use the appropriate title before the possessor’s surname if you have occasion to engage in conversation.
Mosques are open for prayer five times daily, with a primary religious service on Friday. They have separate entrances and segregation in worship by gender. Do not be offended if you are prohibited from participating in certain portions of worship or are separated from your companions. Wear subdued and modest clothing when you visit any religious sanctuary. Regional and cultural sensitivity are powerful determiners of what constitutes proper clothing. Muslims require everyone to remove shoes upon entering the worship area. Females should cover arms to the elbow and legs to the knees (at a minimum) and wear a scarf or other head/hair covering. People sit or kneel on the carpeted floor during services. Avoid pointing your feet at anyone or the shrine.
Keep silent out of respect for the sacred space. If unavoidable, speak very quietly to companions. Turn off all electronics you carry. Do not photograph or record anything inside houses of worship unless you have express permission obtained ahead of time. Do not enter or leave the main worship space while services or prayers are ongoing. Do not turn your back on religious leaders. Monetary donations may be collected; ask ahead of time what is appropriate to contribute.
Ramadan Dining Manners
As close to morning as possible, Muslims eat a pre-dawn meal during Ramadan. Immediately after dusk they celebrate the breaking of Iftar (the fast) with dates, a regional specialty sweetmeat, or a large array of appetizers before the sunset prayer (Islam mandates five daily prayers). After prayer, a dinner will be served. It will be substantial since they haven’t eaten all day. If you are invited to share dinner with a family at home, in a restaurant or a hotel, they will forgive your mistakes, but the following will heighten your pleasure and confidence.
Iftar celebrations, especially Eid ul-Fitr (Breaking of the Fast festival which ends the month of Ramadan) may include immediate family, distant relatives, tribe members, friends, and neighbors. If non-family members are invited, men and women may be entertained in separate areas or rooms, although this is not always the case. Festivities can continue well into the night.
A guest wears good quality conservative clothes, but check with hosts regarding the formality they expect, especially for Eid ul-Fitr celebrations. Plan to remove your shoes at the door of a private home, and possibly elsewhere. Upon entering, males greet the male host by shaking hands (gently) or kissing on each cheek (right cheeks first), as the host initiates. Females greet female hosts in a like manner. Hosts may keep holding your hand in friendship while talking. When a man and woman greet, the female will decide the level of familiarity, so males should not automatically extend a handshake as a nod and smile may suffice. An internationally accepted rule of etiquette is to avoid touching or staring at people of the opposite sex after introductions or greetings. The Muslim family is often protected from outside influences. It is usually inappropriate to question a male about his wife or any female relative. Show respect for elders by greeting them immediately after the hosts, and defer to them: let them precede you through doorways, walk slightly behind on their right side, listen to them carefully during discussions, be sure to say goodbye to them before departing.
Meals are generally served family-style. Guests are served first (and offered special tidbits), then others from the oldest down to youngest. Eat and pass food only with the right hand. Comment on the generous hospitality and abundance of food. Leave some food on your plate when finished eating or hosts will fill it with more. When the male host stands, the meal is over. (Ambassadors of Civility will want to read Service Etiquette, Fifth Edition, ISBN 978-1-59114-357-4, for global table manners and international host and guest duties.)
Moslem hosts of means hold an “audience” (open house) during Eid ul-Fitr. Families visit each other, take coffee and refreshments, exchange gifts, and depart after a short visit. Accept any offer of food or drink. To turn down hospitality is a serious rejection. If you desire to take a hospitality gift, appropriate suggestions are houseplants, imported chocolates, something from your home state or country, or a present for the children. Do not give alcohol. Gifts might not be opened in your presence. Males should present gifts to males; females to females. If a male must give a gift to a female, he would be wise to say that it is from his wife, mother, sister, aunt or grandmother.
A respectful greeting appropriate throughout the month is Ramadan Mubarak (May God give you a blessed month of the Qur'an). Many Muslims exchange greeting cards in honor of the holiday Eid ul-Fitr. Commercial cards are available, or you may send a handwritten note (correspondence card) a few days before the date. End your note with Eid Mubarak (“May God make it a blessed feast”).
IAPC ANNOUNCEMENTS
An Additional IAPC Ambassador of Civility Benefit:
- Invitation to BLOG (see web page http://www.choosingcivility.org/iapccivilityblog.php Approved comments will be posted (we may edit for clarity). We look forward to your thoughts on good and bad manners in current events.
- IAPC emphasizes all-inclusiveness and higher-level training in an on-going effort to elevate standards in our highly specialized industry. n.b. Ambassadors of Civility are eligible for discounts.
IAPC Executive Education programs:
- are OPEN TO THE PUBLIC. Anyone who desires to become more personally proficient in protocol, etiquette, and civility will find no better training.
- support Service Marks (Certified Protocol Consultant®,CPC®, and Certified Protocol Officer®, CPO®) which are filed and registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office. These appellations are designed for serious protocol professionals who make attaining prestigious certification a strategic goal. IAPC (an international, non-profit, non-partisan organization) attests to your advanced level of knowledge, education, and experience. The designations also advance your success with our professional network of international contacts, experts, and resources.
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