CATCH THE SPIRIT COMMUNIQUÉ The Official Newsletter of International Association of Protocol Consultants® and Officers (IAPC)
JUNE 2010 Issue
IAPC ANNOUNCEMENT
We are pleased to continue offering IAPC members and Web site visitors a wide variety of resources --- all free of charge!
If you commit to Choosing Civility | Connecting Effectively | Relating with Kindness and sign our code of ethics, you may become an IAPC Ambassador of Civility under our GLOBAL CIVILITY INITIATIVE. As such, you are entitled to use the following designation:
Your Name, IAPC Ambassador of Civility
To honor those individuals who met the rigid founding IAPC Professional Membership requirements, they are invited to continue using the non-transferable designation reserved exclusively for them:
Your Name, IAPC Professional Member and IAPC Ambassador of Civility
FAVORITE QUOTE
“Three things in human life are important: The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.” ~ Henry James
CATCH THE CHARITABLE SPIRIT!
IAPC continues to promote our Make Incivility Taboo Campaign in order to encourage individual community service. We are pleased to showcase another member’s service preference in "choosing civility."
Paul's Walk 5K www.paulswalk5k.com Mission: Paul's Walk is an annual 5K walk/run co-hosted by Pi Kappa Phi fraternity and Sigma Sigma Sigma sorority that heightens the awareness of Lou Gehrig's disease.
An IAPC Ambassador of Civility participated in the fifth annual Paul's Walk with college students from James Madison University (JMU).
Participants teamed up to host and support heightening the awareness of Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), a disease of the nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord that control voluntary muscle movement. ALS is also known as Lou Gehrig's disease. Our member is proud to report that the event raised more than $30,000 on Saturday, 27 March 2010.
We want to know what community charity YOU support and how it promotes civility. We will be pleased to showcase your active volunteering choice in the COMMUNIQUÉ. Please submit your participation via email, with subject line: Make Incivility Taboo. If selected, IAPC will provide a courtesy reference link to your charity’s features.
IN THE LIBRARY: IAPC Desk-Side References by Alinda Lewris, IAPC Founder and CEO.
I have just finished reading Younger Next Year for Women: Live Strong, Fit, and Sexy --- Until You’re 80 and Beyond by Chris Crowley & Henry S. Lodge, M.D. There is also a counterpart book, Younger Next Year for Men.
I have to agree with the Washington Post reviewer who wrote, “Brain-rattling, irresistible, hilarious. If you’re up for it … {this book} could change your life.” Whether or not you are a female, there are five key points that I wish to pass on: - We do have to age, but we don’t have to rot - Lean, fit, happy, optimistic, energetic, brimming with vim and vigor -- these were nature’s original design specifications - Exercise is magic - Grow old, not just gracefully, but with real joy - Happiness comes primarily from building connections, from giving and getting kindness and friendship
May I suggest that you build connections by telling your friends and colleagues about IAPC? We excel at focusing attention on the importance of enhancing social relationships. IAPC is dedicated to connecting and committing most gracefully.
REPRESENTATION: Protocol
Do you know someone who suspects protocol is rigid behavior designed to make normal people feel inferior? Perhaps your colleague immediately dismisses it as entirely irrelevant to her life, or a friend admits that he doesn’t know what protocol is but would be curious to learn.
The word ‘protocol’ broadly means how to function under certain rules or conventions in order to prevent chaos. It has different connotations depending upon your career interests. There are medical procedure protocols and computer interface protocols. There is personal everyday protocol in a particular society and protocol internationally approved.
In the 19th century the French defined protocol as “a collection of set forms of etiquette,” and it became synonymous with French court life. One dictionary definition says: “Protocol is the accepted or established code of procedure or behavior in any group, organization, or situation.” It also means the “original draft of a diplomatic document” as, for example, a treaty agreed to and signed by nations. Another dictionary attempts to clarify the acceptable by asking: “What is the protocol at a conference if one’s neighbor dozes off during the speeches?”
Protocol is a way to make the events we manage appear orderly and run efficiently. It is also a straightforward tool that can bolster morale. Every one is happier when they know the expected conduct. If you are correctly observing protocol, you are treating everyone with kindness, and further deferring to those with rank, importance, or age. It is not only necessary in royal courts – it is equally valuable in small venues, such as the dinner table. Formal protocol is readily observable when sharing food -- at daily tables, special feasts, and celebrations. When Mother and Father firmly insist on respect from their children, and the children watch as their parents treat family guests with consideration, the lessons begin.
Since ancient times, hosts have seated their guests in special places and served them delicacies. In 16th century Europe the expression “sitting below the salt” became a synonym for “seating protocol.” It originated from times when salt was difficult to get, and therefore very costly. Hosts could not afford, or simply would not pay, to provide salt for all guests. Thus, the container of salt was put on the host’s head table and available to guests invited to sit with him there, but not to those at other tables. Or it was placed before the host at his end of a single table and guests nearest him had immediate access to it, but not those seated further away from him. It thus became quite clear to everyone invited that the host had developed ‘protocol’ for persons worthy of his salt. His table seating reflected who he honored, and those desiring to sit close to him had to be civil.
The ability to know – and to follow – the rules of social relations marks a sophisticated person. A business professional sends flowers to a friend who is suffering an illness, has lost a family member, or had a baby. A government official writes a note of thanks to his subordinate for a job very well done and verbally congratulates (in front of their peers) an associate on his promotion. Our personal code of decorum includes the standards we adhere to, or at least aspire to, everyday -- the respectful acknowledgment of others’ life events, regardless of our own complicated circumstances. This is our personal code of conduct protocol. Others admire and emulate high standards, consciously and unconsciously. IAPC suggests that you decide in advance to be kind and mannerly.
It is fundamental to know exactly where you fit in and to know when you are to take orders or to give them. New employees want to settle quickly into their workplace hierarchies without making blunders that could cost them the respect of their contemporaries. Drivers learn traffic safety rules. Worshipers follow the order of religious services. These are examples of societal protocol. Acting with civility aids group affiliation. The person who does not know or is careless about observing social protocol may be viewed as clueless or deliberately offensive.
All contacts between people are according to accepted rules or customs and some form of planned organization. In additional to local social protocol, diplomats and international business persons must master worldwide conventions. It is very important to know the rules in order to play the game properly, whether that game is golf or international relations. Some rules of politeness are unstated but quickly enforced by others present, such as maintaining quiet when a golfer swings. In diplomacy the rules are even more important because everyone’s personal culture differs and what was typical in one place is not in another. For example, in some countries good manners say that men precede; others have a “ladies first” tradition. International protocol prevents difficulties over such things as who enters the room first, establishes who escorts whom and how, outlines receiving line procedures and formulas for making introductions.
The accepted rules of decorum across national boundaries are powerful knowledge for business persons and government officials to acquire. It is THE essential sign of a global leader to thrive while navigating cultural differences without causing offense at home or abroad. IAPC specializes in making international protocol as easy to acquire as everyday etiquette and civility.
IAPC educational offerings via our Web site ground you in the fundamentals. We show how to make situations run smoothly, when to give proper recognition where respect is due, and why ritual or ceremony should be beautifully dignified. IAPC passes on self assurance skills so that you can confidently avoid causing insult, provoking resentment, or arousing indignation, whether visiting internationals or hosting them. All are welcome to share our higher educational offerings.
As for that conference goer who dozed off? Give him a helpful nudge to wake him up before his embarrassing snoring commences.
HOT TOPICS: IAPC President Interviewed
On 14 May 2010, IAPC President, Cherlynn Conetsco, was interviewed by Elizabeth, a Junior at the University of Georgia. The following is an edited transcript of that interview.
What is the name of your book and why did you become interested in etiquette?
I am co-author of Service Etiquette, Fifth Edition, ISBN number 978-1-59114-357-4 (562 pages, 30 illustrations, Naval Institute Press). It contains important international information for your generation, emphasizing excellent manners in order to promote multi-cultural / multi-heritage cooperation -- key elements for success in any career. As you are undoubtedly learning in school, soon everyone in the United States will be minorities who must work well with each other, often in high stress situations, so globally acceptable demeanor is vital for all Americans.
I was about your age when I was surprised to learn that my mother had taught me the correct manners after all. I went to work at American embassies for 6 years in Indonesia and Greece, and subsequently became an instructor teaching protocol, etiquette, and cultural awareness to diplomats for 20 years at the Joint Military Attaché School in DC. I have traveled for business to more than 25 countries and am fascinated by local manners variations.
This is a legacy book for me because I know that in the constantly mobile and immigrant United States, people need a mentor for everyday “how-do-I-conduct myself” manners. No matter your career in America – corporate, military, medicine – you’d better refine your Social Etiquette, because that’s about the only thing that won’t be outsourced down fiber-optic lines to independent subcontractors.
What common courtesies should not be lost with people using text messaging, Facebook and other forms of non traditional communication?
Your Internet behavior is not only being monitored by the public in 2010, it will be analyzed for the rest of your life. It is vital to present yourself graciously in every web forum. Bad behavior or opinionated word choices are stored (and can be retrieved) indefinitely on multiple computer hard drives and servers to be read by anyone, anywhere -- especially by those willing to abuse your personal reputation or finances. Email, text phones, Blogs, Facebook, LinkedIn, etc. are not private or anonymous. Your challenge is to set personal and professional standards of decorum no matter the modern technology employed.
A person of refinement does not care to be conspicuous. You and your classmates should set goals to be more formal than you probably think necessary (a reputation is never lost by being too respectful or private) and to be more vigilant (do not post pictures that can be misconstrued, do not write or say anything that can be taken out of context, and censor coarse language) because future employers, spouses, and the government can access such things long, long after you leave school. Take a deep breath before hitting “send” and decide if you would be happy if your mother posted the same thing in eternal cyberspace.
Offense can also be taken precisely because electronics is considered a quick, informal medium, even if you have spent an hour polishing your message. For example, expressing sympathy over a death should always be by handwritten note, because the time and attention it takes to generate and mail correspondence is well understood and therefore valued during bereavement in a way that email never will be appreciated. And don’t even think about sending your mother an electronic birthday, Mother’s Day, or Christmas card!
What are common courtesies you think should not be lost in society today?
My top choices for verbal courtesies are the first ones your parents taught you: Please, Thank You, and Excuse Me. These indicate the most basic respect for those around you. Nods and smiles (and eye contact – but that is culture dependent) when conversing are non-verbal courtesies that say, “I am listening to you with respect.”
For you and your college classmates, my personal wish would be that you brush up on Guest Duties in order to project leadership – become persons who master:
- R.s.v.p. You probably receive many casual invitations via Email. That is the modern, efficient and economical way to invite guests and track their responses. Guests in 2010 can click to accept, view the Address for a map view, select the Dress requirements to read what the host is wearing, read a list of who plans to attend, or choose from entrée options. Weddings may be the very first events where college students are exposed to hard copy formal invitations and the R.s.v.p. (French abbreviation for répondez s’il vous plaît meaning ‘please reply’). Hosts for formal events need enough time to finalize preparations (developing seating charts and menu cards, writing place cards, meeting caterers’ deadlines, etc.). Invitees must respond to all invitations within 48 hours or by the deadline given.
- Attire. Only three terms appear on a proper invitation: Formal, Informal, or Casual. “Informal” is the one that causes problems for the unwary. On invitations it means suit and tie -- one level below the formal tuxedo. “Casual” means ask your host.
- Toasts. Under no circumstances should underage people drink alcohol. Besides the health and legal aspects, you are being scrutinized for role model behavior (as a class leader, Christian, possible future daughter-in-law, etc.). Do not refuse to toast either; that is a political statement against the honoree. Feel free to toast with any other beverage in front of you, or simply hold aloft the wine goblet by its stem in your right hand throughout the toast. Join your voice with others and set your glass down immediately with a smile at the conclusion so that you do not appear to disagree with the sentiments expressed. Non-drinkers of age bring the glass towards their lips, but underage persons who add this motion might look as if they were about to drink, except being caught in the act prevented their sipping.
- Dining skills. Manners, especially our table manners, are scrutinized by others as markers of our sophistication. Americans are the only people who zigzag their forks. International style is much preferred for leaders of your generation, as it is acceptable worldwide. My book has excellent descriptions and pictures, along with details of chopstick protocol and communal platter dining -- the only other global dining styles.
- Thank you Notes. Handwriting a thank you note is often overlooked as a simple method for fostering relationships. Since you and your peers have probably been using a keyboard since kindergarten grade, cursive may be a weak point. But handwritten notes make an excellent impression, building better and more personal relationships. The key here is to pick up a pen – hand print your social correspondence. People with a fine motor skills disability do not control pens well enough to form letters on a page and may use email, but if you can handwrite your note, be it cursive or printed, it will be considered much more personal and you will be favorably remembered.
Are there certain etiquette manners that no longer apply to younger generations in our fast paced society?
No. I don’t make up society’s guidelines – I just pass them on, as elders have been doing forever. Since I know that you are a Christian, you will appreciate that manners were even important in the bible, for instance in Galatians 2:9 the Christian leaders of the community give Paul and Barnabas the right hand of fellowship (a handshake).
College age people are among the most eager to make excellent first impressions. Etiquette and civility are standard tools to connect and keep in touch with business persons, to meet and interact with workplace peers, to manipulate silverware at dinner parties, to prosper in job interviews, and to make good impressions on romantic dates. Why would anyone toss out such successful methods?
What NEW ways to respond and communicate will soon be acceptable in our fast paced society?
Video phones will soon surpass email and texting for maintaining personal contact, giving the feeling of being face-to-face, returning people to real time interactions. You and your peers will work to establish new etiquette rules for them, relying on familiar manners such as those for “answering the door”: don’t do it unclothed or disheveled, don’t let little children to allow strangers into your home. If you are calling, do it at a decent hour and expect a few blank-screen / voice only responses (bad hair days?), or to leave messages on voice mail with requests for appointments to connect via video.
Another example: The severity or frequency of global pandemics may affect future face-to-face meetings. The internationally accepted respectful greeting worldwide is the Western-style handshake. To avoid spreading germs, however, your generation may need to come up with a greeting that does not require touching. Everyone would profit from an attractive gesture that is intuitively recognized as courteous and suitable for general universal use during health scares.
How do you see less formal communications affecting the way people respond to and treat each other?
Everyone knows that electronic words are dashed off quickly in the manner that you might speak them, but the receiver has no way to monitor your facial expressions or tone of voice for respect or humor or annoyance. Your classmates have probably resorted to abbreviations such as LOL or emoticons in order to say “please accept my statements non-critically.” Vocabulary and spelling have certainly suffered in texting and emails as each generation develops its own slang, but the Internet has made the world a true global village and abbreviated communications do not always translate well.
And remember, casualness is not appropriate for employment interviewers or internships this summer. Neither is texting style: if i write all lowercase or say “Thx 4 Ivu” you understand that i am lazy. Your classmates may be in constant contact with a large circle of friends, but please be careful to respond only to the business person who wrote instead of “reply all” or “copy everyone.” Also, do not keep a business address in your personal list or you might mistakenly forward pictures, videos, urban legends, or “share this great information” chain letters to someone’s workplace computer.
What affect do you think a more relaxed view on etiquette will have on people?
When American colonial church groups gathered together for “pot lucks” or “suppers on the ground,” the notification was spread by word of mouth -- no formal invites or thank-yous issued (perhaps because paper was scarce?). Today we are also relaxed about meals with friends (because communications are so instant?). I have noticed, however, that people worry excessively about their table manners in new situations, and about whether they come across as someone whose manners fit in at a new workplace or when meeting their significant other’s family. . . anywhere they think that people will judge them before getting to know them well. My suggestion here is to choose ring tones carefully -- be very sure that your personalized choice does not give us the impression that you hate something or someone based on the selected song.
Why is it important to respond when you receive a text, phone call, Facebook message or message from another kind of social media?
Just because someone decides to send out an email or text, does not mean you have to respond. Acquaintances continuously send unsolicited political cartoons, email chain letters, jokes, pictures of sunsets, YouTube links . . . usually to their entire mailing list. Any such thing sent as a “mass mailing” does not warrant a reply unless you have a lot of time to kill.
The level of formality for replying to messages should be matched, if possible. Return phone calls, reply to emails, and text back. Texting to friends is not always a substitute for face-to-face. No one appreciates an electronic break-up. Reprimands, political, and religious opinions should be delivered in person. Answering machines are OK for important or time sensitive personal news, but it takes voice-to-voice to create dating rapport and to apologize.
More Personal Electronics etiquette rules from Service Etiquette, Fifth Edition:
-Repeat your name and number twice on voicemails, once at the beginning and again at the end, and give several good times to call back (for example, “I’m in my dorm Tuesday and Thursday between 8:00 and 10:00”). Say thank you before ending the call. If given the option to review what you have just recorded, use it. You will probably choose to re-record more succinctly after listening. Never leave negative messages on voice mail; these conversations should be dealt with person-to-person, not via recordings.
-Turn off cell phones where the focus should be on another’s voice (during lectures or in theaters for example); where silence and hushed voices are the respectful norm (such as libraries, hospitals, funeral homes, or cemeteries); or in any public spaces when seated in a crowd. In darkened rooms (during PowerPoint presentations or movies), even the lights from electronic devices can be distracting.
-Say “Excuse me” to the room at large if your phone rings in a public place (for example, in the waiting room of a car repair shop), walk away (outside if necessary), and talk quietly. Hold the cell phone in your left hand if you must talk in public. Similar to holding a drink in the left hand at cocktail parties, this frees your right hand for handshaking and other interactions, such as opening doors for others. Do not continue business as usual while talking on a cell phone. Stop shopping or delay going through a checkout line until your call is finished. Wait until you have flushed, washed your hands, and exited the bathroom before answering the phone. Never text (or talk on a cell phone) when your attention should be on your driving. Such behavior crosses the line from rude to dangerous.
When you think of young adults today, how do you see their lack of manners affecting their relationships and jobs?
Young people today aren’t the only ones tethered to their electronics, but they are more likely to be rude to the people right in front of them. My generation talks on cell phones as if others cannot hear them giving details of their surgeries, marital spats, or revenge on co-workers. Young people, much more self-conscious, usually prefer to text in an attempt to keep their exchanges private. For everyone, it is very bad manners to slight people present in favor of electronic interactions, if they would otherwise have your attention. Sending and receiving messages is rude when in the company of others because it excludes them. Technology records messages -- check them later. Even asking permission immediately indicates that someone else is more important. If waiting for an emergency call during a meal or any other event, set phones/PDAs on vibrate and warn companions. Young or old, excuse yourself and step out of the room to take only the expected call (check the number display), keep it short, and thank others for their understanding when you return. I want to emphasize again that the person you are currently speaking to has precedence and deserves your focused attention.
How do you see well mannered people succeed in the professional world versus people who are not concerned with their manners?
Harvard & Stanford studies on the subject conclude that success is 15% technical skills and 85% people skills. Etiquette is essential to relationships; mastering it is such a personal payoff. “Ladies and Gentlemen” are able to connect well at all levels of society because they have practiced civility as a life skill. Personal dignity is recognized and praised by others now more than ever as the key element necessary everywhere. You can expect any professional knowledge to be obsolete almost as soon as you acquire it in today’s fast paced world, EXCEPT for protocol, etiquette, and civility. People who are not concerned with their manners face having their jobs cut more quickly because they do not make the effort to get along. They are also the ones committing the social gaffes that people with small personal devices are dedicated to recording!
How does being polite illustrate you are reliable, dependable and sincere?
Respect in society is based on position. We all hold many positions at the same time, and are therefore honored at different levels in different arenas. We prefer children to obey their parents and respect elders. We want students to value their college professors. Lawyers honor judges in the courtroom. Etiquette and civility expand the notion of dignity to include the principles of kindness and consideration for others, no matter who YOU are. In the United States, we desire extra respect for our government officials, persons with disabilities, the very young, and the very old.
Parents grumble because their children’s behavior reflects positively or negatively on the family’s values. Young adults are often tempted to dismiss etiquette as entirely irrelevant to their lives . . . usually until they start looking for a job. At that point, if not before, they realize that employers judge a person’s dependability, reliability and sincerity by her personal demeanor and ask themselves, “If she failed to master such a basic skill set as good manners, what else is she lacking?” No one should waste valuable energy worrying about personal skills when they should be focusing on professional duties.
Thank you Elizabeth. There is no greater honor for me than to spend time with the next generation of leaders. This is my chance to be your secret resource and to encourage the most aspiring of your classmates to practice the excellent strategies presented in Service Etiquette, Fifth Edition. I look forward to saying “I knew you when” on the day you are honored as a celebrity! ~ Cherlynn Conetsco
IAPC | Civility, Country-Specific Do's and Taboos, and International Protocol | Washington DC
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